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Nov. 29th, 2009 @ 07:54 am
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Wow, I think the was the first time I made out with a girl that wasn't already seeing someone else, well except vicky (but she's been the exception to every norm with me). |
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Jun. 16th, 2009 @ 03:12 pm
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I just feel like fucking writing now, but not so that the people on myspace can actually see what I'm saying or feeling. Just don't feel like getting called emo again by dustin for vocalizing whats in my head and heart without actually being whiny, just bitter and angry. Though seriously, how am I supposed to be happy and feel good about life when there a voice in your head telling you that this guy that has no problems hitting a girl or treating her like absolute shit is somehow BETTER THAN YOU?! I just can't wrap my head around it. It just breaks me down to see her talk or think about him and see the sparkle in her eyes because of it. I just...I just don't know anymore really. I don't want to deal with all this shit anymore, but I can't bring myself to turn away and leave her behind. Why can't I just be happy again? It may have only been a month but I was happy for that time. I felt ACTUALLY loved! Yes, I know that while we were together you did love me Nyx, but it doesn't really count or help for my current circumstances. *sighs* Is it really that wrong to just want to be loved in life? |
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Apr. 11th, 2009 @ 02:57 am
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I've done things in my life that I'm not completely proud of. I've had alot of heartbreak as well. Though, never before had I be my own cause of heartbreak and regretted it from the first second. The times before were done on the females part(lynne and nyx), but I never expected that one day I'd had to break my own heart to save the person I love. Its not fair that I stick around and laude my affections upon her, only to have the person SHE loves turn against her for it. Its also not fair that someone so rotten enough to treat their "love" like that is to find happiness. Meanwhile, I would give up the world, EVERYTHING, for said person, yet I am to be denied again. Its not right. Its NOT FAIR! All I ever heard is of how I'M such a great guy from all the females I know. What does it get me? Nothing but heartbreak! I....I think I should really stop here before I push myself closer to losing it totally.Current Mood:  disappointed |
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Apr. 10th, 2009 @ 12:05 pm
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Look, I don't know if your still checking my shit out like I take it you were recently. But don't be afraid of all those other people that still seem to think I'm a threat. I'm only a threat to myself. Yes Corey, I'm talking to you about that. I'm not trying to get into the middle of anything. It is entirely possible to just be friends as we all were at the start. Sometimes it would also be nice just to have a friend thats known you that long and well to talk to in the worst of times. (No offense to you TJ) So in summing up, corey stop being a dick and lynne feel free to talk whenever, except when I'm at work as thats alittle hard for me to do at times. |
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Not sure why I feel compelled to write something in here today, but I just do. Just been thinking about the situation with Ashley again. I just wonder about certain things. Not about things now, as I'm pretty solid on how everything is and don't think its anything more but sometimes less. Can't help think about the what ifs that one day may happen. Find myself wondering how she'd react if I found and fell for someone else, meaning I would have fallen out of love with her. Like would she end up being the jealous one for a change? Also thinking about how things would go if something happened and she decided to leave that douche. Its nice to think that somehow she would choose to go out with me, though I don't hold such thoughts and ideas in very much possible truth.
Apr. 3rd, 2009 @ 11:59 pm
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I wish I knew how much longer I can keep this going on. The whole situation is just breaking me down more each day. I love her and wish I could be with her, even just spending more time and not even in the relationship, but every second of every day I'm leary of him, jealous and HIGHLY distrustful. I don't believe a damn word of his I see or hear. I just want him gone! Even if she doesn't end up with me (which I may still be a tad confused overall about), I still want that bastard gone. *sighs* I really wish I knew what to do without giving it all up again.
Mar. 28th, 2009 @ 01:54 am
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Its funny how one night, one simple act of kindness, a single kiss can make everything seem so much better
Mar. 21st, 2009 @ 10:28 am
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I don't know what to say. I just...just hate this feeling. This feeling of lonliness. I don't mean lonliness as in being single, but as in being alone. Having no one to turn to when I need to, not having someone there to do things with. I HATE IT! I want to be able to do things! I want to feel happy again. Like I have before. I'm just so sick and tired...just so tired. I just.......don't know what to do anymore. I could possibly afford to start going to therapy again for it, but because I can I doubt because of the scheduling issues at work I could never formulate anything reliable. And if I were to try and set a day or time I needed to be off to go to it, I'm sure I'd be let go for someone else that is free all the time.
Mar. 19th, 2009 @ 05:02 pm
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I just wonder how this can somehow work without keeping things hidden. Does anyone else see it possible to love someone and them love you back and yet still be JUST friends? This isn't just an emotions tossed about thing with nothing else having occurred either. We've made out, had sex several times, her family loved me (I use past tense just due to certain recent issues I made public before she told her family I was lying to cover them up again), my family thinks she's the best thing I've come across, I've been the only person that she's EVER dreamt about (long story short-night terrors), and much much more. Maybe I"m using this just to try and find some justification for how I feel and that I'm the only person open about their feelings. Maybe I could just make this easier and kill her bf.
Mar. 11th, 2009 @ 10:43 pm
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I don't really know why I feel the need now to start writing things down again. It didn't really help all that much during the other times I did it to vocalize things and just get them out of my head. It just feels like I'm losing it. I mean, yeah I've known the 2 of them for several years, and yes, I"ve pretty much wanted to be with her since the moment I first saw her. Thinking about that, it doesn't feel all that suprising when I think about her so often. For christs sake, I couldn't even concentrate of WATCHMEN because I kept thinking about her. And its not like I think about her in any type of sexual way (95% of the time, I'm still a guy), I just think about being there with her. Its just *sighs* I don't know. I really wish I knew anything or could be sure of anything anymore.
Mar. 8th, 2009 @ 05:23 pm
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You know, sometimes I just wonder why it is that some people just refuse to accept the help needed for them to quit something horrible. Why is it that when someone is abusive, controlling, and just all around ASSHOLE, people refuse to leave? I mean, hell, if someone treated me like shit, I wouldn't want that person around me. It just kills me inside to see this shit keep happening, especially to someone I care about. I really wasn't sure what I was even going to put here and not expecting any comments, I just needed to vent alittle bit before I have a breakdown.
Mar. 8th, 2009 @ 09:30 am
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I am sick and I feel like poopy. That is all.
Mar. 29th, 2008 @ 12:28 pm
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Well, I'm about to go to sleep for a court date tomorrow which can carry up to 3 years in jail. Everyone keeps saying they won't put me away for it, though I'm paranoid as FUCK and about to have a mental breakdown. PLEASE, anyone that reads this, it would be nice for prayers/wishes or anything of that nature.
EDIT: Alls good, only a fine for 207.50 and no jail time for the pretty boy.
Feb. 27th, 2008 @ 11:22 pm
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I can't remember what time it started last night, but it hasn't stopped. I just have an urge to go back to the time when the only people that had contempt for me were either stupid or crazy (mostly both). Nowadays, its just feels like either people don't care or they hold a grudge against me that has some weight. Those grudges do only happen to be mistakes that were unknown, but they still make me feel like shit. But no matter what, I'm really getting tired of having to deal with stupid shit. Honestly, why is it that someone isn't allowed to just ENJOY life and not get fucked in the ass? Why do we have to live our days stressed or dependent on someone doing everything for us?!? I seriously look back at the past few years of my life and see a fucking roller coaster. Anytime good shit happens, something inevitably happens to bring me crashing down. Its all just making me sick and pissed off even further with the only solace being in random music. God sometimes I just wish I was dead.
Feb. 20th, 2008 @ 03:52 am
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For some reason, whenever I actually come here to do ranting or what have you, I always don't seem to remember any of the things that have pissed me off period. Well atleast I can think of a few things that happened lately. I decided to quit darkon and give all of my things over to TJ. I may come back out if the things in Ched ever change to where its fun again and people become happy and care about each other than themselves. I'm still unemployed until I either get my driving record shit fixed (with court on the 28) or that place my dad recommended calls me back for the interview. Still single, though haven't had any casual times in about a month now and its starting to affect my brain. I still have no intentions of starting anything serious with anyone unless they actually make me care/want them and so far and I haven't gotten that. Well with Jen, but that is too far of a drive for anything more than whats happened. There are still a few times when I feel that I'm alone and every one has forgotten about me, but not too often thank fuck. I think right now all I'd really like is a good fuck thats not just plain vanilla stuff and just to get a chance to lay down with the girl for awhile and have it not affect anything between us the next day.
oh oh oh, almost forgot something I just saw when just seeing anyone that might be checking my myspace and it turns out that a wisconsinion checked it out on xmas eve
Feb. 13th, 2008 @ 02:45 am
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Wow! Life has really started to SUCK!! Car broke down last week, guy JUST started working on it and so far the bill is almost a grand. Found out I could be dirty. AND I just got fired from my job that I just started because of some stupid shit last week. SO YAY!! life is fun right now.
Feb. 1st, 2008 @ 01:27 pm
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Can't think of much to say right now. Still alive. Trying out casual friendships+. Got stabbed in the eye by a candy rack trying to get a snickers. Finally ordered the internet for myself. Needs some good rough sex (damn you nyx for reminding me of that). Bout to go and try and enjoy cloverfield.
Jan. 27th, 2008 @ 03:50 pm
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Same shit, different day. Trying to get a new job. trying to get life in order. Failing horribly.
Dec. 21st, 2007 @ 10:36 pm
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Still here, Still alive, Still single, Back to hating it, Can't find anyone that does anything for me anymore (thanks nyx for rasing the bar so high)
Dec. 2nd, 2007 @ 07:34 pm
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